Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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