Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
