I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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