When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize