and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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