There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
love makes seman taste better
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
