On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
