We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
