i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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