you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just found puke in my bra..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize