i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize