I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need to calm my uterus...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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