my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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