Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
