Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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