I heard we made out
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
