you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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