Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
