I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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