Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
