pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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