Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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