Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
