If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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