Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
