Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
