some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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