My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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