Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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