wat bout pragnant strippers??
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
