I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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