My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
