wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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