listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
