my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
