We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize