i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
