when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
