Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
