i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
