My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
