Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The beer is more important than you right now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
