If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
