I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
