this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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