it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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