I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You pole danced in your parka.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
