I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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