Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
