My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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