final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
