it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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