i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
