I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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